Expanding “Family” by Partnering With Birth Families
Many have the misconception that foster parenting will take place separately from the biological family.
Instead, it is important to know that your role as a foster family is an extension of the child’s family and not a replacement. The first goal of foster care is to safely reunite the child with their family as soon as possible.
Nationally, more than half of children who enter foster care are safely reunified. The average length of time a child is in foster care is dependent upon how long it takes for the family to resolve their conflicts, disruptions, and demonstrate that their home is safe for the child to return to.
If the process is viewed as expanding family, rather than replacing family, then the outcome for the child is best facilitated. While these relationships can be complex, they're incredibly important for the well-being of the children in your care.
Understanding the Bigger Picture
Reunification Is The Goal
In most foster care cases, the primary goal is to safely reunite children with their birth families. In fact, the national average is right around 50% of children who enter foster care are eventually reunified with their parents. This means that as a foster parent, you play a vital role in the reunification process—not just by caring for the child, but by supporting the relationship between the child and their birth family.
Remain Humble
As the foster parent, you are often dealing first-hand with the effects of the traumatic situations that were the cause of a child entering into foster care. In addition, the experience of entering foster care itself is traumatic. There are varying types of abuse, neglect, and maltreatment that a child may have experienced. Some of these are visible that you may immediately see like broken bones or burns, and the majority are unseen, like terror in a domestic violence altercation.
There are so many unknowns in a child’s case. It is important to simply prioritize the care of the child. Remain humble in making judgments about the parent’s involvement in the situations that placed the child in foster care. Supporting a biological parent and a case plan goal of reunification does not mean you are excusing the actions of neglect or abuse that a child may have endured, it means that you are part of the team in helping a child feel safe, experience healing, connection to their family, navigating the system, and achieving the best outcome for a child and their family.
Birth Parents Are Often Dealing with Their Own Trauma
Many birth parents have experienced significant trauma in their own lives—whether childhood abuse, domestic violence, addiction struggles, poverty, or lack of support systems. Understanding this context doesn't excuse harmful behavior but can foster empathy and reduce judgment. Just as you are intentionally caring for the child from the trauma-informed context of “What happened to you?” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” (Dr. Bruce Perry), it is important to have this frame of mind in your relationship with their biological parent.
Imagine your own situation. When you have a crisis in your life, or you can’t pay a bill, or you have a traumatic event - who do you rely on? Do you have a parent, grandma, friends at church, pastor, sister or best friend that you can call to help step in to provide additional support when it is needed most? A child is in foster care because the birth parents did not have these safe, healthy adults in community with them to step up and meet this need. Instead, the only option was to rely on a child placing agency to find this system of support with strangers. That is a humbling thought. As foster parents, we have the blessing and benefit of numerous people around us as our extended family. It is our role and opportunity to be that expansion of family to the birth parents whose children are in our care. While every birth parent may not ultimately choose that relationship, they should at a minimum be given that opportunity.
Children Benefit from Positive Relationships Between Caregivers
Research consistently shows that children experience less loyalty conflict, better emotional adjustment, and more stable placements when there are positive, respectful relationships between foster parents and birth parents. Even in cases where reunification isn't possible, these relationships remain important for the child's identity development and emotional well-being.
Initial Encounters: Setting the Tone
Finding Opportunities to Connect.
First impressions matter. How you engage with birth parents in the early stages of placement can set the tone for your ongoing relationship. Many foster parents miss out on the few opportunities to engage with the biological parent by not being involved in transportation and drop-offs to parent visits, or attending court hearings. Early on, these may be the only opportunities for brief engagement. Take advantage of every opportunity given.
Think about the perspective of the child in your care. If their 24/7 caregiver, their foster parents, are not communicating in any way with the person they often love most in the world, their biological parents, it is difficult to navigate how these pieces fit together in their day to day life. You can bridge that gap for them by modeling connection even through brief interactions with their parent(s).
Approach with Empathy and Respect
Remember that birth parents are experiencing one of the most painful events possible: the removal of their children. Their reactions may include anger, defensiveness, shame, or withdrawal. No person chooses to require the involvement of the child welfare system into their lives or the care of their children. Let go of any expectations of gratefulness or automatic trust. Instead, approaching with genuine respect and empathy can begin to build trust.
Offer acknowledgement of their role as the parent by asking for the input or opinion whenever possible. For example, at the drop off for a visit ask the parent, “Do you have a certain type of sippy cup you want me to use?”, or “Is there a hair product that you think works the best?” Or, “we thought it might be time for a haircut, but what do you think?” Or “What do you think works best when Sam is upset?”
Focus on Common Ground
Despite different circumstances, you and the birth parents share a common interest: the well-being of the child. Starting conversations from this shared value creates connection rather than division.
Be Mindful of Language
Words matter. Children are listening as you interact with them and others and framing opinions about their situation and caregivers. Consider using language at all times that:
Recognizes the birth parents as the child's parents ("your mom" rather than "the birth mom")
Avoids judgment ("struggling with addiction" rather than "drug problem")
Acknowledges their role ("co-parenting" rather than "I'm taking care of your child")
Respects their knowledge ("What works best when he gets upset?")
Let the parent know how to you refer to yourself at home (“I have other kids in my home that call me mom so sometimes she might get mixed up, but we always refer to you as Julia’s mom and show her pictures. I have her call me “Laura”)
Person-first language always (ex: never “foster child” but “child” as the person and only when necessary refer to the situation such as “child in foster care”)
Share Information and Updates
When appropriate and within the guidelines of your case plan, sharing updates about the child's activities, achievements, and daily life demonstrates your recognition of the birth parents' ongoing role in their child's life is important. Depending upon the age of the child, they can be involved in this process as it is important as well. Consider:
Sending photos to the weekly visits (if approved by your caseworker)
Sharing schoolwork or artwork
Keeping a simple journal of activities and milestones (when appropriate you can pass a journal back and forth to the parent at visits so you can share notes or questions)
Creating duplicate artwork or projects—one for your home and one for visits
Asking the child when they would like to share with their parent so they can think of it ahead of time
Building the Relationship Over Time
As placement continues, you can strengthen the relationship through intentional actions:
Support Visits and Contact
Visitation is not just a requirement—it's a vital opportunity for connection between children and their parents. You can support this by:
Helping children prepare emotionally for visits
Provide suggestions to case worker about activities during visits
Sending comfort items or photos from home
Being positive and encouraging about visits
Helping children process feelings afterward without judgment
Being flexible about scheduling when possible
Call ahead to confirm visits are happening so you can prepare the child if schedules need to change
Ask the parent if they need anything during the visit (Ex: sending a puzzle, or hair care items so they can do hair together)
Let parents and caseworkers know of a child’s routine so they can create the optimal visit experience (ex: avoid naptime so child isn’t cranky, if a feeding needs to occur with a bottle let them know; or if a visit conflicts with an important event for a child like a game or recital offer alternate times so a child isn’t forced to see parent visit as missing out)
Involve Birth Parents in Decision-Making When Appropriate
While maintaining appropriate boundaries, including birth parents in certain decisions honors their role:
Ask about preferences for haircuts, cultural practices, or religious observances
Consult about educational decisions when appropriate
Seek their input on managing challenging behaviors
Include them in celebrations and milestones when possible
Recognize Their Expertise About Their Child
Birth parents often have valuable insights about their children's preferences, triggers, and comfort measures. The time they spent with their child prior to entering foster care helped shape what is known and predictable for the child that is now in your care. Asking questions like:
"What foods does he particularly enjoy?"
"What helps her calm down when she's upset?"
"Are there special routines that help at bedtime?"
"What celebrations or traditions are important in your family?"
“What did her usual bedtime situation look like? In her own room or sleeping with you?”
This approach acknowledges their expertise and gathers important information that helps you care for their child.You may not be able to follow through with all advice or requests if they are not healthy for the child, such as soda in a sippy cup, but by asking questions you can get their involvement and find out where you can recognize their expertise. This also gives you clues as to what might be triggering or new for a child.
Navigating Challenges
Even with the best intentions, challenges will arise. We all parent differently under the best of circumstances due to our own personal beliefs, upbringing, health, culture, and life experiences. The stress of a governmental system being involved in parenting and oversight of the management of a child’s case, while not being a 24/7 caregiver is difficult for both birth parents and foster parents. By no means will the intention to co-arent and viewing foster care as an expansion of family mean that there will not be challenges.
When Birth Parents Are Inconsistent
Missed visits and inconsistent communication can be heartbreaking for children and frustrating for foster parents. In these situations:
Avoid making promises to the child about visits but let them know of the visit schedule (Ex: We have a visit scheduled for today)
Have backup plans for when visits don't occur
Validate the child's feelings without criticizing the parent
Consider possible barriers the parent might be facing (transportation, work schedules, etc.)
Maintain your consistency even when others aren't consistent
When Values and Parenting Styles Differ
Differences in parenting approaches, values, or cultural practices can create tension. Try to:
Focus on safety issues rather than stylistic or parenting differences
Learn about and respect cultural differences
Find compromise where possible
Discuss significant concerns with your caseworker rather than directly with the birth parent if the issue is sensitive and do not do so in front of the child
It is always appropriate to bring safety concerns to the attention of case managers and listen to the child
When Emotions Run High
It is normal to experience strong emotions in any co-parenting relationship. It is also common to experience difficult emotions when you see a child you care for going through difficult circumstances. For interactions:
Start out slow - you are building trust. Do not immediately exchange cell phone numbers or all-access communications in a case.
Take a break if needed from direct communications and ask for help from case manager
Refocus the conversation on the child's needs
Use "I" statements rather than accusations or judgements
Involve caseworkers or therapists for difficult conversations
Set boundaries while maintaining respect
Ask for case team help when support is needed at appointments or situations where foster parent and biological parents will both be attending (ex: doctor appointments, sports games, transportation exchange for overnight visits)
When You're Feeling Judgment or Resentment
It's normal for foster parents to sometimes struggle with negative feelings toward birth parents, especially when witnessing the impact of trauma on the child. When these feelings arise:
Acknowledge your feelings with a trusted support person in private
Go back to the position of empathy and being trauma-aware to recognize challenges the birth parent may face
Focus on your role in the child's healing journey and helping them navigate their situation and supports needed
Seek support from other foster parents who understand through a mentor or group
Often professional counseling support can be needed for cases that extend for a long period of time
Check yourself and whether information you are sharing with case management is factual or is an opinion or judgement.
Supporting Reunification
When reunification is the goal, foster parents can play a crucial role. As the large majority of cases will start with reunification as the goal, approach the care of the child and case with that framework in mind. Avoid making determinations based upon your own experience, culture, perspective, or economic situation which can often lead to feeling a foster home is a “better home” for the child. Instead, focus on the reunification goals outlined by the case team in the case plan as how progress will be determined and safety assessed.
Attend all court hearings. Submit Foster Parent Court Reports to outline the experiences of the child in your care, any therapeutic or educational supports the child is receiving, and frequency and type of visits with biological parents.
Celebrate Progress
Acknowledge and celebrate steps the birth parent takes toward reunification requirements. Even small progress deserves recognition in a way that is appropriate to the case.
Offer Appropriate Support
Within the boundaries set by your agency and the specific circumstances of the case, consider ways you might support the birth parent's efforts:
Offering to attend therapy or medical appointments together so the parent can learn
Modeling parenting techniques during transitions
Offering encouragement
Maintaining an open door for questions and communication
Prepare for Transition
As reunification approaches:
Help the child understand the process in age-appropriate ways
Work with the birth parent on transition planning
Create memory books or other keepsakes
Ask therapists and educators to be involved in the transition plan and needs
Plan for any ongoing contact if appropriate
Identify key things that can be maintained for consistency for awhile during transition (ex: gymnastic, attending church, or scheduled camps)
Let the child help pack all the things that are important to them to take with them
When Reunification Isn't the Plan
In cases where the court determines that reunification isn't possible, the relationship with birth family remains important. Their role should always be acknowledge as part of the child’s identity and life experience. Validate that children can form attachments to multiple caregivers.
There are different steps that will occur once a court has entered an order of Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) and the case management team will walk through those steps according to the agency and laws of each state. In addition, involvement with therapists and case team to help the child with the next steps will be essential. This is a difficult stage as many foster parents may find relief that they do not have to say good bye, while also experiencing grief for the loss of a successful reintegration with birth parents and what that will mean for the child in their care.
Learning from Experience: A Quote from Joy Meadows
In The Joy Meadows community, a biological mother who successfully reunified with her children shared: "The support we had is what pushed me and my husband to do the things we needed to do and encourage us. Our whole life we lived one way. We didn't feel worthy, we didn't feel good enough to have anything good in life."
This powerful testimony reminds us that when birth families receive support and encouragement rather than judgment, transformation becomes possible. Through organizations like Joy Meadows and our Church Network, both foster families and birth families can find the resources and community they need for healing and growth.
Personal Perspective
In my time as a foster parent I have seen many situations through the eyes of the children who have come through our home.
I know in the last decade, I have only seen a glimpse of all the children in care go through every day.
I have seen a toddler who is malnourished with lice in his hair, and eyes matted from disease get dropped off at midnight because they did not have a home to help him.
I have held children as they screamed through the night re-living a past experience of terror.
I have witnessed children nightly eat through furniture, pillows, toys and smear feces on the wall or urinate in the corner to destroy everything that seemed safe and predictable because that was scary.
I have kept children physically apart as they tried to beat each other just to create constant chaos as that is the only safe, predictable environment they know.
I have laid on the floor beside beds or in doorways to make sure children wouldn’t hurt themselves as they ran around during night terrors.
I have held a 4-week old baby who cried every 10-15 minutes all day and night because every rib was broken and he had brain bleeds from being shaken.
I have tried to understand a toddler as he pointed to cigarette burns along his arm and said, “daddy burn”.
I have sat with teens giving testimony about sexual abuse they have experienced.
I have waited in doctors’ offices to get help for burns and cutting that children inflicted upon themselves because feeling pain was better than feeling nothing at all.
I have helped a man-child with diapers and changing clothes and read him a bedtime story because his developmental age was about a decade less than his biological age due to trauma.
I have witnessed children jumping out of transportational vehicles as they are afraid to go to visit and don’t want to leave our home.
I have watched babies sit in silence in the corner of their cribs because they do not know how to cry anymore, since no one has ever responded.
I have held preemie twins, born at 2 lbs, recovering from meth addiction, and needing nutritional supplements and feedings every hour, while not even strong enough to ride in a baby carrier.
I have sat with children sobbing because their parent failed to show up again for a visit.
I have sat up nights with children who cannot breathe due to developmental delays. I have seen teenagers unable to accept help and support and a path to financial stability and education because it is just too overwhelming not to follow the generational choices of trauma and addiction of those who went before them.
I have worked with children who cannot read and are grades behind in school because no one bothered to take them to school or read to them.
I have had children throw food across the room because they do not recognize it is food when it comes in the form of a well-balanced meal and not in a candy box.
I have said goodbye to babies that I thought would be in my care forever.
So, when I say it is important to support a healthy relationship with biological parents, do not think that I am saying that without understanding the full context of all that children who enter foster care have experienced. There are so many nights that I was angry at the birth parents who placed their children in situations that led to foster care. I was furious about what these children had to go through, and that it didn't seem to matter to anyone but me. The situations that led to the trauma behaviors that I was left to deal with day in and day out, and then receive criticism at a weekly parent visit because the clothes or hair weren’t right. I was angry.
There are many times when safety was a priority, and I had to speak with case management about disclosures from children or unsafe activities during visits. But I am also ashamed to say that in the early part of our foster care journey, I could only feel harsh judgment and criticism for birth parents. I found myself unconsciously hoping for the things that would dismantle the progress of the birth parent. I am thankful that God is gracious, and He has helped my heart and forgiven me. He gave me a new perspective of humility and empathy that is beyond my own capability.
Most of the things in my life are due to circumstances that have nothing to do with my choice or performance: the parents I was born to, my childhood experiences, the financial stability I was given, my mental health and intellectual abilities. There is similarly much about the lives of birth parents that were not their choice: the parents born to, generational trauma passed on, lack of financial stability, mental health without support or access to treatment, or access to good education. And yet, I would judge them for the impact those very things had on their life and in turn, a child’s life.
Please don’t think I excuse abuse, neglect, or the effects of drug addiction. I abhor that children are ever exposed to those things. Instead, I am simply sharing the realization that I have come to that where intervention through support can be given, where a helping hand can be offered, where grace can be extended, where empathy can be given, where a second chance is warranted – that is what we must focus on as foster parents.
Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. POint out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life. -Psalm 139:23-24
We often feel that as foster parents, we have little control over a case. Yet, there are things we can do to sabotage or support. There are words we can say to help a child feel loved by two families and know that multiple people in a child’s life who love them are a good thing. Not every birth parent will choose to make meaningful changes in their life and accept help offered. But at a minimum, every birth parent should be offered the opportunity for that choice.
Sarah Oberndorfer
Conclusion
Building healthy relationships with birth families is not an easy process, and there is not one right way to do it. However, it is one of the most important contributions you can make as a foster parent to the well being of the child in your care and their experience in foster care. By approaching these relationships with empathy, respect, humility, and clear boundaries, you create space for healing—not just for the child, but potentially for their entire family. This can be what changes generational outcomes for the family - and you are the one playing a transformational role.
Remember that you're not expected to navigate these complex relationships alone. Lean on your support network, including organizations like Joy Meadows that understand the unique dynamics of foster care and can provide resources, community, and guidance along the way.
This blog post is part of our Foster Care 101 series, designed to provide guidance and encouragement for those considering or beginning their foster care journey.
